While I don't remember the best description of depression that I've ever read, I do remember the concept. Basically, this woman said there was a hole inside her, an emptiness that could never be filled. No matter what she did, who she was with, good/bad moments, the whole was there - she forever walked around empty inside. It is dead on, the concept has remained with me since I first heard it. I may add something to it - say the hole is forever expanding, at small sometimes immeasurable rate, but it is doing just that.
I felt it last night as I sat in the darkness of my downstairs office. I stood and looked out the door - the stillness of suburban life. I opened and walked to the backyard, leaned against the fence and observed nothing. It was eerily quiet - everyone in bed waiting to attack the next day. I felt empty and I knew what the night ahead and inevitable morning would bring - dread. It has become a familiar scene where I wake up, unable and unwilling to rise - eventually spending the whole day lying there. I describe this moment to lead to the next thought where I decided to end it all. Yes, I'd been down this road with no success, but the time has come to do it again.
I am leaving for DC this Friday morning. I do have a return ticket for Sunday, but I don't plan to be on that plane, any plane, or this earth ever again. I'm staying near the capitol. I have a couple things I want to do before ending it. First, I am attending a baseball game where my favorite team will be in town. I already have a ticket. Later that night, I plan on getting a hooker. Yeah, I know, this seems sordid, but there is something I always wanted to do - I never had the nerve or moment or possibly the balls to ask for it with the women in my life. Well, actually, there was one girl I f'd a few times, I had asked her to do it and we planned it but she backed out the last moment saying she was afraid she'd hurt me. It's a weird thing to ask for, but anyway there are plenty of website ads where a few offer it, so I'll buy the necessary tools/toys and be prepared. This does make me wonder about what happens if it is the best thing I've ever had/done, would it change my life - make me go for more of that or in that direction? I guess the only way to do it is just do it.
Anyway, with the ball game and perversions checked off, I will tour the mall area Saturday, eat a great steak dinner (already found the place) and then go to my room. I have enough sleeping pills to bring down a horse, so those plus a bottle of water will send me away - away to peace finally. There is no way this can be interrupted by a family member or friend since I'll be in town alone and the maids won't bang on the door until midday Sunday - over 12 hours past when I plan to go to sleep. I'm not religious, so I don't worry about sin, but you can't help but wonder about the afterlife. Is it a void where you are just gone or will there be something else there for a so-called soul? I wouldn't mind becoming a ghost where I can haunt people, I just hope the empty feeling is gone regardless of where I end up (if anywhere). It would suck to kill yourself only to realize you're sole is the same and it will wander endlessly thus you never can escape it.
So, what are the drawbacks of such an approach? For one, I thought getting the pills through airport security could raise eyebrows - probably not, but I am mailing them to my hotel the night before I leave to be safe. I'm also mailing the couple things necessary for the hooker situation. Anyway, what about those I leave behind? I have crafted letters for those most important to me, they are in envelopes and stamped - I'll drop them in a mailbox in DC. I have a very special letter for my fiancé and my ex-mistress (what a grown up word) whom I never stopped loving and think about everyday. She has remarried and she has resisted my feeble attempts to reach out to her (via social media sites and an email) so it is clear she wants nothing to do with me (why would she), but I still have a few things to say to her (all good) so I was able to track down her address as well and that will be the final letter sent. She saw me at my worst and shook her head at me saying I needed help, so this turn of events won't surprise or even upset her. I just want her to know that I do love her and always will - she will always be my tough shelled M&M.
I guess that is it, it is weird to reread this entry and know I only plan on 4 more days on this earth. Maybe life is easier if you know how long you got - you won't squander away your time. I feel a sense of calm with this decision. I know nobody reads this blog, but maybe one day this entry will appear on somebody's screen and they'll wonder, who knows. Oh, and if they/you read earlier entries, no my brother cancelled on me so I'll be hitting DC alone which makes this much easier.
3 comments:
I found your blog through One Smarmy Mama. If blogger lets this comment through, please go read her letter to you, and know that every word is true. You are not alone and you don't have to do this. Please.
One Smarmy Mama had trouble posting, so I'm copy/pasting her letter here:
Scott-
I read your entry and re-read your entry. And I'm sure I'll go back and re-read it again in the next few days.
I think people who've never experienced that level of depression would freak out when they read it. I didn't freak out. It just made me remember when I was in that same place.
I hope you don't do it. I hope you have some time away and you have fun in DC and you get a glimpse of being happy. I hope going to that game lights a little spark in your heart and makes you remember what it felt like to be out of that hole.
The thing about big holes is that they always have a bottom. The thing about big holes is that there is usually someone at the top who'll help you out of it, even if you're so deep you can't see them. The thing about holes is that they end. You aren't falling....you're just at the bottom of that hole. And even if you're right...even if the hole just gets bigger and bigger........it's still just a hole.
And, Scott.......deep down you know as well as I do that a lot of people are going to be really hurt if you never came back from DC. I don't say this to guilt you into not going through with it. I say this because I think that sometimes when people are in that hole they talk themselves into believing that the choice they are making is best for other people. But we all know that's not really true. We're all grown ups and we've all seen the fall-out when someone else has made this choice. Even if they didn't think it, they ended up destroying a lot of people....people that maybe they didn't realize would be destroyed.
Anyways..........I hope that post disappears and I hope you post more next week. I like your writing. I've been trying to comment on every post but, like I said, blogger is being a dick. I don't know how you found me, but I hope you find me again.
FWIW my email address is onesmarmymama@gmail.com in case blogger is being a dick to you, too, and you find this and want to comment.
I hope you have a good trip. I hope you have fun. I hope the game is awesome and the steak dinner is amazing. I kind of hope you don't get a hooker just because I don't want you to get the clap or anything. But if you do, I hope it's awesome too. And I hope all that awesome stuff makes you see that the hole isn't all of life. The hole isn't all of the world. It's a dark spot that tricks you into thinking it's the whole world......but it's not. The world is actually pretty awesome. You just have to get out of the hole to see it.
xo
OSM
You don't me and I only know you through this blog.
I want you to never feel alone or lost. I hope you use that return ticket and write to let people like me, who reach you through the internet, know you are home.
I was in a hole like yours once before. I got out. You can too.
my email is thomaslburson32@gmail.com If you ever want to use it, please do.
Lance
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