Failure

A good plan is nothing without execution. I arrived at the hotel on Friday, checked in with package waiting. I sat on the edge of the bed with them on the dresser opposite me - it felt right. Maybe it is weird, I was clear headed. I stashed them in the top drawer headed out for a while, eventually catching a baseball game. I went to bed that night thinking, rather planning. for it to be the final night. For once, I slept well. The next day started with a good breakfast and I wandered around the capitol and the Library of Congress - slowly, that feeling returned. The day began with it being a sort of small dot, but it slowly expanded like a spill as the day continued - everywhere I looked, there were happy people, people talking, people NOT alone. I stood inside the capitol building and felt so alone, a cold sweat covered my forehead, I was suddenly conscious of my every move - like they were all going to laugh at me, look at the guy with nobody. I found a corner and stood there collecting my thoughts, remembering later and how none of this mattered. I walked to the Library of Congress, did a quick tour and then headed back to the hotel - found a seat in the business center and started the search on first craigslist and then backpage.

Have you ever browsed adult listings on these sites? While there are lots of very attractive people with ads, there are many others who are not. Look closer at the ads, zoom in on some of those faces, and you start to wonder about that person's story. Why are they there? What happened to push them down that path? Is it drugs, poverty, ignorance, lazy, self hatred? Or, maybe I put too much thought into it, but I eventually stopped the search and cancelled the hooker part of the plan. It was an easy change of the plan, so not a big deal. I fell asleep for a bit and then roamed around as nightfall blanketed the city. I grabbed the pills and a bottle of water and I stood at the door - funny, I thought of the scene from Donnie Brasco where Pacino's character knows he is leaving never to return and removes his jewelry and places in drawer. Anyway, I had no jewelry, so I headed out.

The miserably hot day gave way to a pleasant evening. I started at the capitol and headed to the Washington Monument continuing all the way to the Lincoln Memorial with a quick stop at the Korean War Veterans Memorial (which is a bit creepy at night when viewed from the front - like they are all walking towards you). In case you wonder, it is two miles from the capitol building to mister Lincoln. I climbed the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and I found a seat on an outer edge facing the mall. I sat there and watching the few people walking around - the misery was there, churning inside of me. I want/wanted it gone with only one possible solution - it was the only thought in my mind as I stared straight ahead, but the trance was suddenly broken with a tap on my shoulder. I jumped as I turned to my left - weird that I braced myself from falling over the edge. I was greeted by a young woman with camera in right hand as she motioned to her right, her family beamed at me - the wanted me to snap their picture. They squeezed together and smiled - mother, father, daughter and two younger brothers - they didn't have any problems being close together, they genuinely liked each other, and they laughed as I took a few more pictures while give them instructions on posing. They smiled at the results when viewing their camera, they hung around and we talked for a bit before they moved on - the littlest boy smiled and waved at me as they walked away.

It sounds weird and maybe disingenuous to say that that family pulled me from the edge a bit. Honestly, I hate myself for saying that. I kept thinking of my nephew who resembled that little boy. I turned and stood on the edge - no, it's not that high up to be dangerous other than breaking something. My cell phone chimed as I stood there - caller id said it was my brother. I usually avoid his late night calls, but the family was in my mind so I answered. It was a short conversation, but he just wanted to let me know that he was sorry about a stupid argument we had about a week ago. He had obviously been drinking, but my mind enjoyed the conversation. I descended the steps after the call and strolled to the left, passing the Vietnam Memorial wall and then back towards the Washington Monument then I'm suddenly standing in complete darkness, there was nobody around, I was at the edge of a pond - not the reflecting pool as it was or would have been to my right (it is currently being redone). The weird thing about the pond/water was the geese/ducks - there was about 50 just standing there - completely still almost like they were fake. Is that how they sleep? Anyway, this is what I had planned, I had picked this spot the previous night. I could sit on a bench and nobody would find me for hours. Normal people would ignore me and police rarely walked through there, the pills would do the damage before anybody got there (actually, I had planned on going into the woods and lying on the ground as a guarantee). So, I stand there and I am ashamed a the fact that I lost my nerve. I sat on a bench for a while, waiting to see if I would change my mind, I kinda wanted to change my mind, but that sounds insane.

I finally got up and walked past the WWII monument onward to the Washington Monument, I laid back on one of the marble slabs/benches surrounding it - staring to the top of the monument to the sky. I felt bad, ashamed of what I didn't do. The trip suddenly felt like a total waste - how weird to get depressed about not being depressed enough to end it when that was the mission. A group of twenty-somethings, two girls, two guys were on the bench behind me and I was suddenly in their conversation - well, listening, and it was lively, they were talking about everything - politics, sports, religion, and on, you know that stuff we all talked about during college years or shortly thereafter, when we thought we could solve the world's ills. Their conversation zig zagged when they finally talked about local sports and were stuck on questions on a certain player, they kept going round and round until I finally mumbled the correct answer. They went suddenly quiet and then laughed out loud and I laughed too, they asked a few questions and we had a brief conversation, we laughed more, I continued lying backward, never raising, they finally got up and left while laughing and telling me good-bye. They left me with a smile and then a longing - I wish I could have friends like that, I want meaningful conversations. There is nothing like a great conversation.

I raised up and returned to the hotel. I was exhausted, I sat the pills back on the dresser and again stared at them. I can't say they were mocking me, but rather giving me a knowing smile like we'd meet again. I mailed them home this morning, well, I dropped them in the mail. I'm not feeling like a world beater right now, but it has been worse. I still feel like a failure for not keeping my word and following my plan. I was serious when I set out last week, but then again was I? I always knew in the back of my mind that I didn't have to do it, so was it all just a show for myself? Can I finish anything or "do anything right" as my father used to say?

I do appreciate the kind comments posted last week. I didn't get to read them until now, but thank you so much for your thoughts - I appreciate the kind words. It is odd to think I should apologize for that post where I didn't follow through or keep my word. A situation where succeeding is viewed as a failure by society but failure is a success. I like to think One Smarmy Mama is right when she says "..it's still just a hole.."