Dumb things (or people)

A guy was rattling on and on about something stupid that a co-worker said to him, so it it made me think of some of the dumbest things ever said to me.

"Oh you got your hair cut, it looks so much better." - This implies it looked like shit before the new do. This is like starting a duel, slap the other guy on the face with a glove, so let the insults fly. Funny thing, this was actually said to somebody else the other day and I almost fell out of my chair laughing.

"You are so gregarious." - No, I am just not as big an idiot as you, so people actually talk to me.

"I like you, you are an asshole just like me." - Uh, dude, you just called me an asshole, asshole!

"In your own words, tell me what happened." - Now, did they think I'd disguise my voice and try to be somebody else? This just confuses me as I try to decipher who they think I would try to be.

"Do you have ADD?" - No, bitch, I can't sit still because I'd rather have my nails pulled out with a pair of pliers that sit and listen to more of your bullshit!

"You need me." - Think again, I don't need anybody and this is especially true for you. I'd go so far to say nobody truly needs anybody else and more people should try learning to put up with themself before trying to push themselves off on another.

"You are so sexy." - Okay, this would be cool if it wasn't a stripper trying to pry the money from my hand. I tell her to go away and she half slaps the side of my head, no kidding, and she tosses the two dollars I gave her (to leave) on the table - and the other guys crack up laughing. I sort of laugh as I am suddenly attracted to the bitch.

"Is he yours?" - Given the color difference, I'm not sure it is genetically possible, but I guess the lady was just trying to be nice. I never quite answered this question, I just looked down at him and then back at her with a "what do you think?" gesture. Then I think I should say, "Yeah, I got a great deal." and gauge her response.

"You are so selfish, you never listen to me." - The very fact that somebody is whining about not getting enough attention reveals their own selfishness. This kind of statement is pure bullshit and should be readily ignored.

"Does this smell funny?" - Of course it does, that is exactly why you are asking me, just throw the shit away and move on and quit sniffing it!