When does it end?

How is it possible, when two people live together, for one to slip so far away without the other's noticing and acting? It happens, just think of all the people that say they never saw it coming when a partner leaves them. It makes me wonder if they were ever truly in the relationship or was it just complacency? In these cases, there is an initiator and then the other partner. The initiator has things in motion before the partner even knows what is happening, but it seems like paying attention would solve it. Seriously, you know your partner and you know your gut feelings when things change, they are acting differently, this is where communication enters the picture. You have to talk, because if you try to talk when one is already out of the relationship then it is too late.

Yeah, this may be just words, but I've been in a relationship where it was on the brink of collapse - and I've actually witnessed others that did crumble to the ground. So, why did mine survive and others didn't? Well, I'm not sure there is an answer for that, every relationship is different despite core similarities, but I can say the key to me still being with the love of my life is communication. She noticed trouble in the relationship very early and I brushed it off, she never thought things were wonderful and she was never blindsided, although I did hurt her deeply, but in the end she was there for me when everybody else was long gone.

It amazes me now as it did then, she was the one that reached down for me after others - especially a woman that said she loved me dearly - turned their back on me. Men are supposed to be strong in our society and many woman are looking for that strength with the caveat of having someone to take care of them, but the tables are often turned in a relationship when the care giving changes. Maybe that is all in my head, so I hope I didn't offend women as a whole, but there was one woman that I fucked who told me "I want somebody to take care of me" and of course I said all the right things at the time, but in all honesty it made my stomach turn. Anyway, I'm rambling, the key point was my woman saved me and has made me a better person (some would disagree with that).

This makes me wonder why others don't get saved when it is obvious that at least one of the participants in a relationship often want to repair it. I can comment on a few that I have witnessed over the years. First, my parents, there was no saving in this situation although my father begged her, the fact that he beat her, lied, fooled around, and was an alcoholic were strikes against him with the biggest strike being that he was unrepentant in all of them, thus there would be no change. My mother never found another and lives alone with her too obvious hatred of men. Next is my brother where his wife began a relationship with another man and lied about everything. He wanted to save the marriage, but it was too far gone as she had formed a bond with new guy and had checked out of the marriage long ago. They are now divorced. Finally, there is a woman from one of my affairs. She ended up getting divorced (and blaming me at the time) with no possible way to reconcile. It started with her fucking around, but the fact that her then husband had another woman himself (although he always denied but it was obvious) sealed the deal showing that he had clearly given up and checked out of the relationship as the wife wanted to work on it. There seems to be a point of no return when checking out of such a relationship.

As I stated earlier, the key is communication and being involved in or at least aware of the other's life. I'm a firm believer in each person having their own life: work, friends, hobbies, and such. Nobody can be the end all, be all to another person or at least they shouldn't be or try. Me and my woman had always communicated and spent a lot of time together and her body always drove me crazy (still does). Well, it was rather obvious during my bad times that the communication was interrupted or distorted and we weren't spending as much time together. Really, it's hard to be with your partner when you are out fucking other women and working on more pills. It is important to note that we did still do things together and talk and the sex always remained good. I guess the pills helped with my stamina, the more I got, the more I wanted and it is weird to say but I wanted it with my woman more than anybody. The term sex addition was thrown around at this time, since getting blown in the parking lot at lunch, fucking a woman on your office floor after work, going home and having sex again,  and so forth seemed a bit out of the ordinary. Anyway, in the end it was the pills.

So, my relationship did hit the point where it was moving towards the end. It is worth noting, that my love was doing a few things herself that don't need to be discussed, but they are usually not mentioned to anybody since I don't mind taking all of the heat for what happened. Anyway, it was weird because we both seemed to reach that point at the same time. I can remember having all of those thoughts and then getting an email from my first affair (the more serious) telling me her husband had discovered it by hacking her email. As a side note, I never believed this explanation, I think she just revealed it, but she gave me the different story so she could somehow be the victim. Whatever, I was floored when I read it and then I became instantly panic-stricken as I thought she'd reveal it to my partner.

It was important at this point to pinpoint the source of my panic - I was upset at telling my partner, hurting her and possibly me losing her, which at that point I realized I didn't want to happen, but didn't think I had a chance. In summary, I didn't want to lose my love/my partner. A sleepless night left me with the decision to be proactive and lay it all out on the table, reveal my true self (minus the drugs). I did it at the same time similar thoughts went through my partner's mind. It all came out - both sides - when we met and it was a tough day, I ended up leaving and sleeping at a friend's house just to give space. It was so hard to be away from her. We slowly re-established communication and just talked and talked and talked, along the way discovering we still had feelings and rediscovering the source of our love. She had always been my best friend and I had let that slide, I had stopped making her the most important aspect of my life. On the flip side which I didn't push too hard since I felt horrible was her own shortcomings in the relationship and how she had let things go. Really, the thing had neared death through neglect. We immediately tried to put it back together, it took time and trust is still something that can raise eyebrows, but we're good. I've been blessed.

Oh wait, I forgot one thing, when we talked and reconnected, she looked me in my eyes and asked me about the drugs which I stammered and she pulled out very bottles before I could lie and it was all revealed. I broke down and told her everything about that as well. She helped me get treatment and pushed me onward with great success. She had known for quite some time and she had actually questioned me about it many times (I had forgotten). She said something that left me feeling oddly as she said "I know you like the back of my hand" and it gave me a warm feeling knowing she is right and that I'm okay with that. On the other hand, it took me back to a cheap motel room where my first affair lady told me the same thing "I know you like the back of my hand" and I had to turn to keep from laughing in her face as she knew absolutely nothing, she only knew what I told her or wanted her to know. I didn't want her to know anything.

So, I sit here to day with a wonderful woman still in my life. She's my best friend and she saved my life, actually more than once. I've never given much credence to the soul mate idea, so I'm not sure I can go that far since I don't believe in it, but if such a thing exists, she is mine. I think we were put on this earth for each other, to help each other get through life. No, we won't always be perfect or even likable, but that is no reason to turn away.

People check out of their relationships all of the time and there are points of no return, so please pay close attention to your own and feed it when and if you can with whatever it is - communication, friendship, sex, partying, whatever ... only can know what it needs. The minute you stop caring about it, it will die and you will be onward searching for another mate. My affair lady's marriage was over quickly and she called on me to help her (save?) and then wanted me to join her since she said I was her soul mate. I can remember sitting in her new apartment realizing that I really didn't like her that much and there was no way I loved or could ever love her - she was that self-centered, narcissistic bitch everybody had proclaimed. She was in full victim mode as she faced me, she wanted to fuck and I refused and then she asked me to go down on her and the thought of that made my stomach churn so I gave an explanation of being tired (hint, no guy is ever tired to turn down sex as Seinfeld said long ago). It was over and I knew it, but she kept trying to hang on (same as she did in her marriage). The key was she wanted to be taken care of and not be alone, which it will surprise none that she was remarried within a year or so. I often wonder if she told her new beau about being a slut and killing her first marriage. I'm thinking he doesn't know or his version will totally blame me. People say I still have feelings for her which explains my meanderings about her, but no, it is more a morbid fascination/curiosity and she was a really good friend (if I would've only kept it that way) that I miss talking to.

As a summary, pay attention to your partner and the relationship as a whole - communicate/talk, make plans together, do things together, fuck regularly whether you want to or not, and continue to remind yourself/each other of the love.