Changing

I read through most of my posts on this blog and wow I am a downer - very few positive things to say. Really, I wouldn't want to hang around me. So, what do you do when you're a 42 year old male that has battled depression for over 20 years with no success? It is depressing in and of itself to think about how much of life has been wasted - the endless sleep, the time spent in a fetal position hoping for the pain to dissipate, days spent staring out the window, the unsuccessful attempts at the end, the numerous abandoned plans to end it, the many hours spent with therapist after therapist, the countless pills consumed, the many days spent in a drug-induced haze, the countless hours spent hiding it from others, the countless hours spent trying to explain it to people who just can't comprehend, the wasted dollars on self-help books, the herbs and natural remedies that failed and on and on. It is exhausting to look back on such a life.

I am not saying there have never been good times, because there have been plenty. I know everybody gets the blues and has their share of problems. One thing that has always caused me problems is figuring out situations in my life - that is, determining if a current situation is just a momentary problem or whether it is the sign of dark cloud that will be with me for a while. I always remember a therapist discussing "normal" with me. I always thought normal is a relevant term, whereas everybody's normal is different. That may be on target, but it has never helped me. My mind always gets foggy even when times are good, it blinds me from approaching danger where I realize what is happening too late. No therapist or drug has ever been much of a success. Nothing has ever been able to fill that black hole that I mentioned previously. I can't really see anything ever filling it based on the 20 years of unsuccessful attempts to do it.

I did not plan on this being another downer post, but my conclusion at this point is to try to live with it. Yes, I made a plan a week ago and I didn't do it. It is weird that that fact embarrasses me. I'm sure countless people have made such plans only to abort before the conclusion. I'm also sure there will be other plans. All of the literature I've read about those who have been suicidal and have now recovered never resonate with me. There are so many stories that mention loneliness, a break up, financial ruin, despair and so forth. I've never read anything that describes that gutless feeling inside. A feeling that can be right there in the pit of your stomach when you are dining with great friends and family or making love with the love of your life. Where is that story?

One thing I've noticed with the so-called "good times" or times that are not bad is that a single moment can send me on a downward spiral. It it hard to put into words, but a few weeks ago I was out with a friend at a local event and all was good, it was good, stimulating conversation, and my mind was actively thinking of the present and the future. But then I encountered a stranger on a walk to the restroom, they made one comment which I took as negative and that was it .. the mind took off, I was suddenly filled with and overflowing negativity. I entered a restroom stall, secured the door and tried to collect myself, did my business and returned to friend to finish the evening, but the damage was done and it was weeks before I returned to safety. I'm not even sure that makes sense, but it is the best way I can describe it - the thought of it makes me anxious.