Have you ever been happy?

Like many folks, I've battled (and continue to do so) depression for my entire life (well, maybe not as an infant but who knows) and while the world mourns Robin Williams, I pause to say I can understand what and maybe even why he did. No, I do not condone suicide or even want to do it (at this time), but when you continuously battle your inner demons and the dark clouds are never far away then you can see how a person might finally wear down. While not has much as him, I self medicated for years and no it did not help, it only exasperated the situation but there was the temporary escape. Sometimes you watch others and want what they (seemingly) have - you want to by happy or content; want to be normal; want to not have to work so hard to get through a day. For myself, I had two hours sleep as the insomnia has returned - that is about 8 hours over past few nights. I'm exhausted yet good sleep evades me - the prescribed Ambien only seems to speed me up (it always does that when I am in this state). While I could not sleep, I also found getting out of bed this morning to be a Herculean task which did not happen until almost noon. No, I was not sleeping during that time as I did have my eyes closed during some of it as my mind raced from subject to subject with many ending badly in my mind. That's the worst part of this situation, the up or seemingly up (since no sleep) is not even beneficial or productive so its just a waste. I don't know how I did it, but I somehow managed to snow everybody at work and show up after noon with no questions - yes, that takes energy to pull of and is tiring (don't even ask about the lie/story told). It's weird, the sleep deprivation continues to worsen - it always does until I reach a point of absolute exhaustion and sleep for days (can you say crash?). Then it may be followed by a relatively quiet period or just recycle, you never know. Yeah yeah, all kinds of doctors and shrinks and therapists and YouTube videos on natural cures but nothing useful. After four decades, I've decided to push through with my own facilities. So, the point is, yes I have or had one, that I can identify with a person who reaches their limit - like David Foster Wallace and Robin Williams - and just wants to finally rest. While my thoughts are with his family, I also genuinely hope that he finally found the inner peace that we all deserve - RIP Mork.