Another false sense of progress and recovery/fix

The past two months have been two of the best months of my life. No, I am not exaggerating. Like many others, my life has been a series of very lows and mild highs (or normal?) for the past 20+ years. I had clarity about it during my recent hot streak (yeah, having a "normal" good day is what I consider lucky), and I grimaced thinking of the basic Herculean task it has always been to just do the required or expected things on a daily basis. Every day is/was a struggle (not exaggerating), and I was always doubting myself with current state:

• Am I depressed or am I sick? I can be tired from illness like a cold, sinus infection, respiratory infection flu .... how can I measure my inability to function or get out of bed?
• I had a day where I got up on time, worked, did after work things and went to bed with no problems - is this what is considered a normal day?
• I am productive today, is this mania?
• I will take the day off and tell people I am sick, am I sick?

This all faded/dissipated the past couple months - it was as if a fog had been lifted and I could see the world as, I imagine, others can see it. You know those "others", those that seem to be functional and enjoy life while going though normal ups and downs. I had clarity and turned and viewed my past like a historian - I shook my head while remembering all the confusion. I turned forward with trepidation - after all, I've had good streaks ... just nothing that ever lasted this long. 

The good mood was, well it was good. I was not manic (as I kept fearing, after all what is productive and what is overkill?). I was not depressed. I was not hyper anything, I was just living life. I got up when needed; I met all obligations at work; took are of things after work; talked with friends/family; no sexual problems and I slept at night. I had so many items on old to-do lists, and I methodically worked through them (but again, not at a manic pace):

Remember ...

• ... when I bought that lumber to fix the desk 3 years ago? I took care of it (lumber not needed).
• ... the lamp not wired in the downstairs hallway? Fixed.
• ... the floor plans coming apart? Fixed.
• ... broken bricks on front of garage? Fixed (well, repaired, but looks like shit).
• ... the outside lamp bought a year ago? Installed.
• ... closet door complaints? Fixed, well sort of as you don't like new door.
• ... old front door? New one ordered and installation scheduled.
• ... garage door paint peeling? Fixed.
• ... back door and window rot/peeling? Fixed.
• ... router/modem wiring mess in pantry? Fixed.
• .... wire shelve issues? Fixed.
• ... kitchen faucet? Replaced.
• ... toilet running? Flapper installed/fixed.
• ... toilet leak downstairs? New wax seal, fixed.

Nothing monumental, just normal everyday things handled and not all at once. At this point, I kept worrying about mania, but it was fine.

Truthfully, I was both happy and scared. I loved life again, I looked forward to each day. One truly big test was a huge failure with fixing my truck (almost killed it and had to pay somebody to fix it) and not getting a job I really wanted/needed (got one later). Admittedly, in the past such setbacks would've plunged my mood into a dark place for days where self-hatred ruled. Not these times, I was upset and disappointed, but I worked through it. 

I kept thinking/wondering when the shit would hit the fan and this dream of normalcy would end. I told nobody what was happening (maybe they noticed) as I did not want to either jinx it or set false expectations or just be proved a liar. After two months, I started to accept it as a new world - one where Lamictal and Busiprone had proved to be the wonder drug combination that would save me. One night, I relayed this information to my fiance. She admitted to noticing differences in energy and she was happy for me. At the same time, I got nervous because I had heard nothing from my shrink and I worried the source for my wonder drug cocktail would disappeared. I left him messages with no response and eventually contacted regular doctor for possible prescriptions - the shrink did eventually return (his wife left him, should it worry me that he was surprised by it?) I had an appointment with him and told him things were okay (I did not want to admit my elation) and he did not change medication doses - I thought at the time that this was bad (and I was right or maybe it did or does not matter).

I regretted this confession only a week later as the dark cloud appeared again. I took a trip for work and returned mid-week. The trip was good, but I awoke the next morning in a fog with splitting headache. I assumed sinus issues., but the downward spiral continued as the struggle to get up each day (and sleep each night) returned. My productivity plummeted and the to-do list again stalled - my workbench in the garage is like a time capsule of what I was doing during last "good" period.

My days/moods have been up and down every since. I use an app on my phone called Daylio which I enter data for every day and it provides graphs/charts of moods over days/months and relates to activities as well. I can see two months of greatness followed by confusion. I have never been so disappointed. Is it better to never see the possible?

I wonder if drug doses are increased at next visit and that helps, but I really think no. I've read so much praise about Lamictal from individuals on various Web sites, but it is all a game of chance and the chances of me being stuck in a mental roller coaster for the rest of my life is very high - in fact, a given. This was my last shot (in my mind) and it was a misfire. Let's try mindfulness, more therapy ... blah blah blah, no I'll just summon the energy to trudge through the fog of life and eventually it all ends.